I was a little bit fearful about bringing up this subject to one of my friends. I knew her divorce was very difficult and I didn’t want to put her in an awkward situation. However, I realized that I needed to just trust that she would tell me if she wasn’t comfortable and go ahead with asking her to talk about a difficult or painful subject.
Her divorce happened 8 years ago and her son is my son’s best friend. I have known her for almost 10 years. She has 3 older children from her first marriage and 1 child from her second marriage. She has a unique perspective because she also experienced her own parents’ divorce when she was young. I explained my assignment and asked her if she would be willing to talk about how she felt. She was very glad I thought to ask her and was willing to answer whatever I needed. I made sure she knew that anything she talked about for my assignment would be kept anonymous and I would not divulge any information to anyone else, especially her son. I quickly reviewed the six stages and then re-read parts of each section as we went through the interview.
The emotional divorce:
She explained that, at the time, she had no clue that he was going to ask for a divorce. Their relationship had always been tumultuous and he would be irate one minute and very sweet the next. So when he came to her and said that he was done with the marriage she thought that it was one of his mood swings. She talked about how he would get mad at her for something then just disappear for days. As she looks back on that time she realized that there were signs like, going out with friends late at night, and hanging out more with co-workers after work, but he was always so unpredictable. For her there was no definite or clear emotional separation or isolation. It turns out; there never was a solid emotional connection from the beginning. He was very manipulative throughout the marriage but he was more extreme with his manipulation after he asked for a divorce. For a while, he still stayed at the house and slept in their bed. She described how she would be laying there crying herself to sleep and he would just pat her on the back, roll over and go to sleep. It wasn’t until she got fed up with the extreme emotional roller coaster and “called him out on the carpet” that he pursued the legal aspect of the divorce.
The legal divorce:
As soon as she confronted him about what was going on about the divorce he jumped on the internet and downloaded the divorce papers. They didn’t go through any attorneys. It was all a “DIY” divorce. He filled out the paperwork, answered the online questionnaire and thought he had all the answers. He dictated what he thought he should pay in child support, alimony and how long he had to pay alimony, housing arrangements, and custody of their son. At the time, she thought she had no say. He was a bully and she was frightened when he flew off the handle. Unfortunately, he knew that about her and used it to his advantage. He stormed into her work one day and started to scream about the divorce arrangements. When she questioned his financial figures he became enraged and yelled, “How dare you question me?” In an effort to calm him down and diffuse the situation she shut down and gave him whatever he wanted. She knows now how completely wrong she was to let him steam roll her like that. The legal side of the divorce still haunts her today. She talked about how she wishes she would have done things differently and had more confidence to stand up for herself.
The economic divorce:
Luckily, she was already an RN and had kept up her license by working three days a month while she was raising their son. She was glad she kept that up but knew she would have to go back to work full-time. At first, she depended upon him 100% to keep her afloat and keep her in the house that was all her son had ever known. He made sure her economic status was at a minimum and that he had control over her standard of living. His economic status went way up at this point. This was almost at the height of the construction boom and he was taking in enormous amounts of money. Since they did not establish any legal foundation for alimony and child support she never knew how much he made and never pursued more. She didn’t want the confrontation and didn’t want to risk losing their son. She worked hard and is now a well-respected and accomplished Physician’s Assistant. She never wants to be in that kind of dependent situation again.
The coparental divorce:
This was the most difficult topic for her. She explained that the courts require that they set up a very detailed and specific plan for joint custody. They had to agree on specific days, holidays, and special situations for sharing custody of their son. She did not realize that they also needed to agree upon who had physical custody of their son. It wasn’t until they went to sign papers that she questioned what that meant. Luckily, she caught it in time to change the status and he did not put up a fight about it. Outside of court they both decided that they would do whatever was best for their son. Unfortunately, that decision is turning out to be a source of conflict now that he is older. She talked about how she will fight to the end to keep her son with her. She is much stronger now.
The community divorce:
She chuckled a little at this topic. She said that his mother (now divorced) couldn’t wait until the divorce was final. His mother hated her and hated anyone who was a member of the LDS faith. She was not surprised that the ex-mother-in-law never talked to her again. Her ex-father-in-law is still very nice to her and she sees him at all of her son’s football games. When it came to friends and people who knew them as a couple she saw a big change. When she stopped by his work one day to drop off papers all of the co-workers that were so nice before suddenly couldn’t look her in the eye or say hello. She found out later that the one woman who used to be the nicest to her was the woman that he had had an affair with. When the woman saw her coming to the office she couldn’t run away fast enough. She felt like she wasn’t left with very many choices after the divorce. She was pretty much alone in raising their son and now that she had to work full-time she barely had enough time to eat or sleep. She said the biggest issue in this category was the people at church. At first she felt very inadequate and isolated. She thought people were looking at her differently and judging her. Divorced members can easily use the awkwardness excuse to stop going to church and lose faith. She said that she was surrounded by the reminder that “families are forever” and yet she did not qualify. She experienced a rough time with her faith and started to question whether or not she was supposed to be there. She is so grateful that she worked through all of that and recognized that experience as a time when Satan was trying to take her out. She relies on her abiding faith to keep her moving in a direction that is pleasing to her Father in Heaven.
The psychic divorce:
She agreed that this section is still difficult. At this point she started to cry. She explained that it has taken years for her to get to a point that she truly believes she will be okay. Her self-esteem and self-worth were shattered when her marriage fell apart. So much of her identity was wrapped up in her marriage that she was lost after her divorce. Thoughts began to surface about how she felt if she were prettier or skinnier or just better that he would have stayed. (On a side note: she is very beautiful and if she were any skinnier she would disappear.) She talked about how, for a while, she felt her dreams were destroyed and didn’t know if she would ever be able to dream like that again. Although she is grateful that she is not with him anymore she still has a tough time every once in a while. She is grateful that she has her son but is sad that he is now going through some of the same difficulties that she did when her parents divorced. She thought she would never do that to her children and now she has been through it twice. She knows that she will be blessed if she continues to follow her faith and trust in the Lord. She is a strong woman because of what she has been through.
I was honored that she would be willing to trust me and be vulnerable about her divorce experience. I learned a lot from her. I appreciated her honesty. I feel like I am closer to her and can be a better friend to her. I also gained some insight as to how a newly divorced woman can feel so alone even though she is surrounded by people. I am glad I took the opportunity to explore this subject and I know I am a better woman, a better wife, and a better friend from this experience.
Update: Since this was a very recent interview, it is fresh in my mind. I was able to talk to my friend’s son a little bit about his parent’s divorce. It was interesting to hear from his perspective what had happened. I don’t think adults understand how much children pay attention and feel what is going on in the home. Even though parents think they are only fighting behind closed doors, the children can still hear through the walls, they can still feel the tension through the home, they still sense that something is “off”. I am sad for this young man. I can see how the divorce has changed him. He says he understands why but I know that a 15 year-old can only understand so much. I am glad I had the chance to learn more about divorce and the long-term effects that divorce can have on the adults but especially the children. I am interested to see how this young man’s life develops. I am interested in what he thinks about women, relationships, marriage, and divorce. I am interested in how his parent’s relationship and divorce will shape his opinions and thoughts. I am going to keep the communication line open with this young man and I hope to update this article even more as he gets older. I hope to also update this article in regards to his mother, my friend. I would love to be able to post that she has found a great relationship and she is enjoying all of the blessings that she deserves. This will be a great learning project.
zejamoreton 